So the required introduction in an about page. Who am I and what is my purpose? Without doubt life would have been much easier had I possessed the knowledge. Years of contemplation over identity and belonging seem to only have brought small fruits, not ripe, tasteful and ready to enjoy but appealing enough for the eyes to want more. I almost even find myself more naked and exposed the more my inner unravels before me. It’s scary but feels somewhat like my truer nature.
I guess that the easiest way to start this would be the formal and efficient way.
My name is Chanti and I am bipolar.
(using my middle name for safety but my real image, wtf whatever ^^)
OR I have bipolar II. The border between the me and the disorder has intertwined into a passionate but destructive relationship impossible to leave. I am a hostage in my own body; it is in my blood, my genes and mind. I have tried to deny our relationship, break up but only to find myself even more lost and lifeless. Which has left me to a last attempt; accept and surrender.
I need to understand who I am and what I want. I don’t even know you, truly know you, but blocked by my projection of your judgement and rejection of me I spend every morning with the routine of brushing my teeth, doing number two, shower and put on my masks before meeting the world.
But the masks are worn off and there aren’t many alternatives left to wear, they all smell and make my face look ashy. I don’t want to carry it anymore, I can’t carry it furthermore. So this is me kneeling down, trying to be open and vulnerable.
As a day dreamer who finds every moment to escape I understand now that there’s a difference between wishing and doing. No great changes will be made unless I make a mark in what takes place in my physical and mental life. In my case it means opening up. By telling you about myself and my shame I hope to get rid of it. I really wish to peel of the layers of shame and self-hate that have infiltrated my inside.
Although I am in many ways a bad ass bitch I need someone with me during this journey, may it be you, God, Allah or Krsna. Believe me when I say that I have tried to climb this mountain alone but like Sisyphus I seem bound to fail as soon as the top is near sight. Maybe my destiny is already planned out, what do I know? But what if the way is not walking straight to the top? Maybe I should walk side-ways or have my eyes closed and trust that what’s in front of me is meant to be there.
I have no clue but I know that the past hasn’t worked. So I’m undressing myself for you to see my scars, for myself to see the bruises, to love myself, in every angle and lightning. And who knows maybe along the way even inspire others and find inspiration. I hope that this blog can give an understanding of mental health.
This is hard. I will most likely spend hours on each post, ruminating on wether or not I will die if I show this side of me. What will people think of me? Forever blessed are we to live in an era in which technology can facilitate this process. With a single click another piece of my inner will be published in outer space, delicately served on a plate for every one to taste, spit on, enjoy or simply not really give a shit about.
To be honest, some blog posts wont kill me. It’s more likely that my mental health will, or a coco nut falling on my head. But regardless of how life will end up I want to die as naked as I arrived in this world. Imagine, maybe that’s the key behind my re-birth and growth?